Gasoline Fight

thefrogman:

On a dark and stormy Friday, way back in the year 1492, a young lad by the name of Jesus Marvin Christ was preparing for his execution. He was to be hung on a crucifix until the life drained from his body.
Don’t worry, things get happier… right after the whipping part. And the part where they mock him and give him a crown of thorns. And the part where he had to carry his cross up a big hill. And the part where they gave him putrid wine and Jesus was like, “nah, I don’t drink.” Then there was the part where they jabbed him with a spear. And of course there was the whole dying thing.
They called this day “Good Friday” …because of course they did.
Skip ahead, skip ahead… here are the happy bits…
Sunday came. Jesus’ body was just laying in a tomb, being all dead and stuff. Jesus and God were sitting up in heaven watching football. Jesus didn’t know a thing about football and kept asking God annoying questions.
“Why do they call it a football? They barely use their feet. And aren’t balls round? They should call it a ‘mini hand-zeppelin’ or something.”
God couldn’t take it anymore, so he decided it was time to resurrect Jesus back to Earth. Now a lot of people like to joke and say that because Jesus rose from the dead, he must be a zombie. Not true. God filled his innards with robot parts and downloaded his consciousness into a 50 petabyte holographic storage device located in the left buttcheek. I know, the head would have been the logical place to put the consciousness, but the laser eyes took up too much room.
So robot Jesus activated and sat up in the tomb. It was pretty dark in there, so he turned on his night vision. He came to the entrance and found that some jerk had placed a giant boulder there. Thankfully, God had replaced his nipples with hellfire missiles. Just as he was about to fire, a bunny hopped in front of him. He was like, “Dammit bunny, I almost killed you with my nipple missiles!”
Jesus used his magic finger rays on the bunny. His intention was to magically transport the bunny to safety. Instead, the bunny just sat there and glowed for a while. Jesus hadn’t read the manual for the magic finger rays and didn’t really know what he was doing. All of the sudden the bunny laid an egg.
“Dammit… I really need to figure out this magic stuff or Dad’s going to start calling me a muggle again.”
Holding the bunny safely under his arm, Jesus fired his hellfire nipple missiles and blasted the stone from the tomb entrance. His disciples heard the explosion and gathered around, staring at the tomb opening. As the dust cleared, a figure could be seen walking forth. Jesus stepped out into the light, looked at his followers, and said, “I’m back, bitchez!”
The people were filled with joy and praised him loudly.
One of them spoke to Jesus and said… ”Did that bunny just lay an egg?”

On a dark and stormy Friday, way back in the year 1492, a young lad by the name of Jesus Marvin Christ was preparing for his execution. He was to be hung on a crucifix until the life drained from his body.

Don’t worry, things get happier… right after the whipping part. And the part where they mock him and give him a crown of thorns. And the part where he had to carry his cross up a big hill. And the part where they gave him putrid wine and Jesus was like, “nah, I don’t drink.” Then there was the part where they jabbed him with a spear. And of course there was the whole dying thing.

They called this day “Good Friday” …because of course they did.

Skip ahead, skip ahead… here are the happy bits…

Sunday came. Jesus’ body was just laying in a tomb, being all dead and stuff. Jesus and God were sitting up in heaven watching football. Jesus didn’t know a thing about football and kept asking God annoying questions.

“Why do they call it a football? They barely use their feet. And aren’t balls round? They should call it a ‘mini hand-zeppelin’ or something.”

God couldn’t take it anymore, so he decided it was time to resurrect Jesus back to Earth. Now a lot of people like to joke and say that because Jesus rose from the dead, he must be a zombie. Not true. God filled his innards with robot parts and downloaded his consciousness into a 50 petabyte holographic storage device located in the left buttcheek. I know, the head would have been the logical place to put the consciousness, but the laser eyes took up too much room.

So robot Jesus activated and sat up in the tomb. It was pretty dark in there, so he turned on his night vision. He came to the entrance and found that some jerk had placed a giant boulder there. Thankfully, God had replaced his nipples with hellfire missiles. Just as he was about to fire, a bunny hopped in front of him. He was like, “Dammit bunny, I almost killed you with my nipple missiles!”

Jesus used his magic finger rays on the bunny. His intention was to magically transport the bunny to safety. Instead, the bunny just sat there and glowed for a while. Jesus hadn’t read the manual for the magic finger rays and didn’t really know what he was doing. All of the sudden the bunny laid an egg.

“Dammit… I really need to figure out this magic stuff or Dad’s going to start calling me a muggle again.”

Holding the bunny safely under his arm, Jesus fired his hellfire nipple missiles and blasted the stone from the tomb entrance. His disciples heard the explosion and gathered around, staring at the tomb opening. As the dust cleared, a figure could be seen walking forth. Jesus stepped out into the light, looked at his followers, and said, “I’m back, bitchez!”

The people were filled with joy and praised him loudly.

One of them spoke to Jesus and said… ”Did that bunny just lay an egg?”

Reblogged 1 month ago from wilwheaton

3,534 notes

true facts, easter, muggle, 1492, nipple missles, magic finger rays, eggs, buny, hellfir emissles, laser eyes, zombie jesus, good friday, football, crucifix, jesus christ, jesus marvin christ, god, history, story, long story,

$kipawang: boothiers-pants: cr3zypr3d: redvinesgiraffe: You were on your way home when you died. It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me. And that’s when you met me. “What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?” “You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words. “There was a… a truck and it was skidding…” “Yup,” I said. “I… I died?” “Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said. You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?” “More or less,” I said. “Are you god?” You asked. “Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.” “My kids… my wife,” you said. “What about them?” “Will they be all right?” “That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.” You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty. “Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.” “Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?” “Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.” “Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,” “All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.” You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?” “Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.” “So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.” “Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.” I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had. “You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.” “How many times have I been reincarnated, then?” “Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.” “Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?” “Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.” “Where you come from?” You said. “Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.” “Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.” “Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.” “So what’s the point of it all?” “Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?” “Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted. I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.” “You mean mankind? You want us to mature?” “No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.” “Just me? What about everyone else?” “There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.” You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…” “All you. Different incarnations of you.” “Wait. I’m everyone!?” “Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back. “I’m every human being who ever lived?” “Or who will ever live, yes.” “I’m Abraham Lincoln?” “And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added. “I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled. “And you’re the millions he killed.” “I’m Jesus?” “And you’re everyone who followed him.” You fell silent. “Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.” You thought for a long time. “Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?” “Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.” “Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?” “No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.” “So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…” “An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.” And I sent you on your way. O_O I don’t get a whole lot of these, and when I read through this one, it was like an eye opener. It was really interesting to read. This is legit like my theory of life. jess this bothers me now$

kipawang:

boothiers-pants:

cr3zypr3d:

redvinesgiraffe:

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

O_O

I don’t get a whole lot of these, and when I read through this one, it was like an eye opener. It was really interesting to read.

This is legit like my theory of life.

jess this bothers me now

Reblogged 2 months ago from september-for-two

184,684 notes

death, god, jesus, hitler, John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln, philosophy, the universe, emt,

Gasoline Fight

Posts tagged with "god"